All About Us: A Dracut Weblog

The (model) Number of the Beast
(Originally Posted on Blogcritics.org)

A few years back Nickelodeon had this great show, Rocko’s Modern Life. Like many of their cartoons past and present, the dialogue always had something smart and funny for the adults as well as the kids. I don’t remember a lot about the show, except I really liked it. Plus, the B-52s theme song was cool.

Anyway, the episode I remember most is when Rocko got a new vacuum cleaner, the SUCK-O-MATIC. The thing sucked all right, not much escaped it. By the way, I found an online petition to resurrect the show, but they ask for a donation. Ah, I guess I don’t need to see it that bad. Funny episode though.

So, why bring up the show and the machine? Because somehow, now I have a Suck-O-MATIC. I dunno, all I did was change the bag. And it wasn’t anywhere near full, just had that funky vacuum cleaner smell. Anyway, my machine is a Kirby 6000. Or some high number made to sound very impressive. (On a side note, these fixing high numbers on these machines, what does it really prove? I’m thinking I’d rather my appliances were all #1.)

Not that I’m complaining so much about this vacuum cleaner – I just did my carpeted stairs with the handy-dandy hand-held, ah – handle thing, and they look incredible! I suppose my entire discussion of this Kirby would lead you to believe I just bought it. Naw, I’ve had it kicking around for a few years. Today for some reason it really showed its power. By the way, just because we are inching closer to that date of 6-6-6, is NO reason to think anything is creepy is going on or for that matter, to question why the toaster burned my hand yesterday, or why it looked like I had my own Zuul in the refrigerator this morning. No, no reason at all.

Back to the Kirby – I had been going nuts in the living room; finding cobwebs here, pollen there, cleaning like crazy. I now have the hose and tube attachments going strong. I’m clearly in the zone, as I conquer dust and dirt in every corner. What’s this, a dusty spool of twine? Not for long! I take the tube and lightly hold it over the twine, delighting in how the baby dust bunnies are disappearing faster than you can say, “Oh shit!”

Yeah, not only were the bits of dust being speedily sucked up, but the end of the twine was fast disappearing as well. In a heartbeat, the vacuum cleaner shuddered slightly, belched, and shut itself off.

My mouth just hung open.

How the HELL did that happen, and SO fast? I started to pull the kelly green half-inch of twine out of the tube. It came out for about five inches, and stopped. Stuck tight to the insides of the beast. I unscrewed one tube, two tubes – still stuck. I pulled off the hose and saw a small ball of twine wound tighter than an Eagle Scout’s best clove hitch to the silver knobby thing. (Yeah, that’s a technical term)

I pulled off the twine, having to cut parts of it as I went. Dear God, how did this much friggin’ twine unravel so fast? Seriously, it only took about 30 seconds for over 24 feet of twine (yeah, I measured) to be sucked up and rendered useless. 24 feet! Imagine If I was Rapunzel! Oh, and I checked the model number again of the Kirby. Should have known, 666.

I’m done cleaning for the day. I’m going to be calling Dan Brown, Father Damien and Gregory Peck’s ghost over for a little chat. Good thing I cleaned up the place!