All About Us: A Dracut Weblog

24 - Hour Seven: The Art of the Bitch Slap


[Previously Posted on Blogcritics.org]

Interrogation in Logan’s office, Walt sweats and trots out his “Patriots” line again. No Honey, sadly they were not in the Super Bowl this year. Déjà vu as Logan asks Pierce to get Walt out of his office again. Jack thinks Logan was talking to him, he heads out as well. “Jack – wait, we can work this out, I still love you!” No, Logan didn’t actually say that. But I giggled, cuz that’s what it reminded me of, when Prez pleaded with Jack to stay on the case. When love doesn’t work, Prez tries another tack, “Jack, please, we have to do it this way, so we can introduce your daughters’s story arc!” Jack considers briefly, “Yes, Kim is rather hot, sure, I’ll stick around and search for that…” (scratches 5:00 shadow)…”nerve gas – right, sure, let’s get that nerve gas, maybe Hot Kim can help”.

Logan sighs in relief, not that Jack will help, not that Hot Kim might swing by, but relieved that he can stop making so many faces.

The Russians realize that they cannot work the canisters. Sucks to be Russian! YellowTieKeyCardMan, who thankfully now actually has a name, Earwig? Airwick? knocks his buddy to the ground with a swell elbow strike, an elbow bitch slap – if you will. Airwick growls and reminds stricken Ruskie to stop messing around and improve his accent. Just in time, Airwick gets a call from a secret admirer – “I saw your name on MySpace.com, liked your profile, say – need help with those pesky canisters?” Secret Admirer has one of those great voices you never forget – is that Sydney from The Pretender? Yay!

Eventually CTU traces phone call ‘tween Sydney and Airwick, pin points where Sydney is – and who he is. Dude is named Rossler, in some high-rise, conveniently close enough for Jack and Curtis to rendevous there.

Another interesting phone call, is the one Samwise McGill gets from his sister Jen. Who is that girl? She looks a little like Amanda Plummer, most famous for her role in Pulp Fiction, and this Jenny person definitely seems as nervous and strung out as Honey Bunny was.

Chloe asks Bill to let Spenser help by hacking into the convenient high-rise, Edgar blusters, Chloe kicks him under the table, and Bill gives in. Spenser tries to make nice-nice with Chloe, she just makes one of her faces and tells him to shut up and work faster. Or something like that.

Logan still scrambles to apologize to Martha for nearly shipping her off to Vermont. She talk about the good old days, when they used to be a team, he looks at her with affection, and suddenly, wham – she totally bitch slaps the Prez! Just then, Mike knocks at the door, “Mike, PLEASE come in”. Prez is feeling so wussed out he apologizes to Mike as well, and when Mike suggests yet another cover-up to explain Walt and his ‘Patriotic’ ways, Martha disagrees, saying ‘let’s be honest’. Mike and Prez snicker for just a second, but Prez is still wussed and agrees with Martha. Martha sticks her tongue out at Mike, Mike looks dejected. Poor Mike.

At the convenient high-rise penthouse, Curtis, Jack and CTU folk storm the building. Wee! Such excitement, shots fired, guards down, Curtis down! Oh no! Whew, just got his vest. God bless Kevlar! They shoot Sydney/Rossler (but not enough to kill him – of course) and find Michelle Trachtenberg’s clone in the bedroom, all banged up and scared. “I was left behind on that Eurotrip. And that bad man with the cool voice hit me!”

(Red Alert - Senator John McCain is working at CTU, hiding out after bitchslapping [verbally] Illinois Senator Barack Obama.!)

Meanwhile, nerve gas toting Russian bad guys Airwick and friends get help from friendly Orange Country Chopper dude. The fact that there are weapons involved had nothing do to do with it OCC dude helping out with his precision cutting tools. Swell!

At the ugly convenient high-rise penthouse, Jack and Curtis interrogate Syndey/Rossler. His voice doesn’t sound so nice now, a little scratchy. Still he has chutzpah. Even tells Jack to “go to hell!” Wow! Sydney must have balls of steel. Doesn’t he know Jack will bitch slap him? Or at least cut his eye out? Jack does not disappoint, wham – slap. Nice backhand slap. Love it.

At CTU Spenser has outlived his usefulness, Chloe offs him. Not really, just fires his ass, Edgar gloats. Senator McCain nods approvingly.

Orange Country Chopper dude finishes cutting all 20 canisters. Airwick bitchslaps him with a bullet. Saw that coming a mile off, right?

Sam/Lynn goes to meet with sister Jenny, it was supposed to be ’20 minutes’ later – but in the weird space/time thing that is 24, it’s more like 30 minutes later. Honey Bunny sure looks like she’s using. Sam/Lynn wants her to go see the White Wizard, and offers to pay for everything, but that’s not good enough for Honey Bunny or Pumpkin, who comes from behind and mugs Sam/Lynn. Wham! Bam! Ker-Plooey! Pumpkin takes some cash, and a curious card. Now, you know that’s going to be of importance later on, either it was a Yu-Gi Oh! “Blue-Eyes White Dragon”, or Sam’s CTU ID card. Both very important.

At ugly Penthouse, Jack has arranged for Sydney/Rossler to get some perks, such as a signed certificate of authenticity that he can go anywhere he wants, and get the keys to the City of Los Angeles. Also in the package is Eurotrip Inessa, who balks at the plan. “Bad man hit me, no wanna go – you can’t make me” Jack tells her to go get dressed. No Jack, don’t’ be stupid! Remember what happened when Martha went to get dressed? She fuckin’ ran! OK so Inessa IS in high-rise, the chance of her escaping out the window is nil, but seriously Jack. Never let a woman get dressed alone!

Martha and Prez finish speech, good vibes all around. But wait, Mike calls. Is this a little one-up-man-ship? Mike says, “Sure, you and the wifey made nice-nice, wrote a little speech, but come lookey at what I got!

At Penthouse, Jack and CTU folk get ready to ‘move’ Sydney, someone orders, “Bring the girl out”. Out comes Eurotrip Inessa, but wait – she has a gun! She knows how to handle it too. Nice! Sydney is dead, Curtis verifies, checking his watch, “time of death, about 20 minutestoofucking soon!”

Prez and Martha meet Mike – oh no! It’s Walt! He’s hung himself! Ouch! I guess he and the Secret Service were playing hangman to pass the time, and they suggested playing by White House rules. Ooohh, now that’s some bitch slap.